i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
