she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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