you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
