hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
