I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
