I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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