I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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