I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just found puke in my bra..
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
