She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
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