Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
