my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
you inspire me to be a worse person
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
