hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
