Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
