I think my vagina is haunted
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
