I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
