my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
