I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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