sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
