Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
