her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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