he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
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