oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
