9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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