i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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