Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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