Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
