So drunk its hurt
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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