I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
