About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
