the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just want to make out with him forever
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
