so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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