She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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