On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
