I'm laying in your front yard are you home
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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