2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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