so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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