I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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