I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
