sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
