Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
