I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
