Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
