Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
BRING THE BAGELS
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
