i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
