Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
