Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
