I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
