He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
