he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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