We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
