I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
