My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
